A Parent's Guide: How to Support Your Trans Child's Transition
In 2020, my world shifted in a profound and beautiful way when my child came out to me as a trans male. The moment was both humbling and enlightening, marking the beginning of a journey that has brought us closer together and reshaped my understanding of love and acceptance.
Was it easy? Not at all. But this doesn’t mean that I would change a thing. In my work in Bent Couch Counselling I have also had the pleasure of working with some of the most wonderful trans individuals and their families. Here I share my experiences and encourage other parents to open their hearts and minds to the unique and rewarding path of supporting your trans child.
The Initial Realisation
When my child first came out, I must admit that I was overwhelmed with a mix of emotions. There was confusion, fear, and a sense of loss for the future I had envisioned for my child. These feelings are natural and part of the process of understanding and accepting a new reality. It’s important to acknowledge these emotions without guilt, as they provide an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. Sit with these feelings and give yourself time to understand these feelings. It takes time to adjust, and I will admit I had a protective sense of overwhelming grief over losing my little girl.
A Journey of Two Revelations
As my trans child’s journey began to unfold, our family had already experienced a significant transformation the year before. In 2019, I turned my family’s world upside down by coming out as gay to my then-wife, children and friends. This revelation brought its own set of challenges and adjustments for all of us. Navigating my own identity while supporting my child’s journey added another layer of complexity to our family dynamic. It also reinforced the importance of living authentically and the power of unconditional love. As my child began their transition, I found myself facing my own journey of self-discovery and acceptance. Through it all, we both learned the value of honesty, vulnerability, and embracing who we truly are. Our shared experiences brought us closer together and strengthened our bond in ways I never could have imagined.
Learning and Unlearning
One of the first steps I took was to educate myself about what it means to be transgender. There is a wealth of information available, from books and articles to online resources and support groups. Learning the correct terminology, understanding the challenges faced by trans individuals, and familiarising myself with the medical and social aspects of transition were crucial in providing the support my child needed.
Equally important was the process of unlearning. Many of us have ingrained notions about gender and identity that need to be challenged and discarded. Letting go of stereotypes and preconceived ideas about what it means to be a man or a woman was essential to creating an environment where my child felt seen and respected.
Embracing Change
Supporting a trans child often means embracing change, not just in terms of their physical transition but also in how we view and interact with them. For me, this meant using my child’s chosen name and pronouns consistently. It might seem like a small gesture, but it holds immense significance in affirming their identity.
There were also practical changes to consider, such as updating legal documents and navigating the healthcare system. These tasks, while sometimes daunting, are acts of love that demonstrate unwavering support and commitment to our child’s well-being. I remember my child seeing their name changed on their birth certificate and the wonderful look on their face that their 'dead name' was no longer their legal name.
Building a Support Network
No journey is made alone, and the support of others can be invaluable. Seek out other parents of trans children, both online and in person, to share experiences and advice. These connections provided a sense of community and understanding that was incredibly comforting.
Professional support is also vital. Finding a knowledgeable and compassionate healthcare provider who specialises in transgender health can make a significant difference. Therapists and counsellors can offer guidance and support not only to our children but also to us as parents navigating this journey. I love working with families and trans individuals, sharing and supporting them on this unique and wonderful path.
Celebrating Milestones
Every step of the journey is worth celebrating. From the first time my child corrected me on his pronouns to his first visit to a gender clinic, each milestone was a testament to his courage and authenticity. Celebrating these moments reinforces our child’s sense of self and our role in supporting their journey.
One particularly memorable moment was the first time my child felt comfortable enough to share his excitement over the growth of hair on his chest. This may seem insignificant to most males, but to a trans male, this is a sign that they are growing into the body that they belong in.
The Rewards of Unconditional Love
Supporting a trans child is not without its challenges, but the rewards are profound. Witnessing my child’s transformation and growing confidence has been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life. His journey has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love and acceptance.
Our relationship has deepened in ways I never imagined. By supporting his authenticity, I have seen him flourish into a happy, confident young man. This journey has also encouraged me to reflect on my own beliefs and values, fostering personal growth and empathy.
The Importance of Self-Kindness
Amidst the whirlwind of emotions and adjustments that come with supporting a trans child, it is crucial for parents to be kind to themselves. This journey is not just about your child's transformation but also about your own growth and understanding. Navigating these changes can be emotionally taxing and challenging, making self-care and self-compassion essential.
Allow yourself the grace to make mistakes, to feel overwhelmed, and to seek support when needed. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup; taking time to care for your own emotional and mental well-being will better equip you to be the loving, supportive parent your child needs. Embrace this journey with patience for yourself, acknowledging that your efforts and love are invaluable.
Encouraging other parents
To other parents who find themselves at the beginning of this journey, I offer the following advice:
Listen with an open heart: Your child’s experiences and feelings are valid. Listening without judgement and with empathy is crucial.
Educate yourself: Knowledge is empowering. Understanding the realities of being transgender will help you provide better support.
Seek Support: Connect with other parents, support groups, and professionals. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
Celebrate Your Child: Recognise and celebrate your child’s milestones and achievements. Affirmation and encouragement go a long way.
Be patient: This journey is a marathon, not a sprint. Patience with yourself and your child is essential.
The journey of supporting a trans child is one of the most enriching experiences a parent can have, if you choose to embrace it. It’s a path filled with learning, growth, and unconditional love. By opening our hearts and minds, we not only support our children but also enrich our own lives in profound and beautiful ways. Embrace the journey, celebrate your child, and know that you are not alone in this adventure. Together, let’s create a world where every child feels seen, valued, and loved for who they truly are.
Let’s remove the boundaries set out by individuals who choose not to understand or fail to educate themselves on everything related to the trans community. And finally, to my trans child, I thank you for everything you have taught me and for being patient with my growth too.