Before Dating: The One Thing Every Gay Man Should Do
So, you’re thinking about jumping into a relationship? Great! Perhaps you've encountered someone who possesses a captivating smile, a mutual fascination with Eurovision, and a remarkable ability to prepare pasta to perfection. But let's pause for a moment before you dust off your dating app profile and jump into relationship bliss.
Here’s the truth: the one thing you absolutely must do before starting a relationship with another man is fall in love with yourself first.
I promise it is authentic, even though it looks like an airport self-help book passage. If you’re not on good terms with yourself, how can you expect to build a healthy, loving relationship with someone else? Spoiler alert: you can’t. But don’t worry—I’ll guide you through this with some humour, heart, and honesty.
Why Loving Yourself First is Non-Negotiable
You’ll Bring Less Baggage (Or at Least Pack It Neatly)
We all have a bit of baggage. Perhaps it's the unresolved drama with your ex, your family's less-than-perfect response to your coming out, or the ghosting you experienced after a third date. Whatever the cause, unresolved wounds often manifest themselves in relationships.
When you don’t take the time to unpack and organise your emotional carry-on, it tends to spill out all over your partner’s side of the metaphorical bed. Self-love helps you process your past, so you’re not dragging it into your future relationship.
You’ll Stop Expecting Prince Charming to Fix Everything
Picture this: you’re waiting for a man to sweep you off your feet, declare you perfect just as you are, and fill all those little voids you’ve been ignoring. It sounds romantic, doesn't it? Unfortunately, that’s a rom-com script, not real life.
No one else can “complete” you. If you’re waiting for a partner to validate your worth or solve your problems, you’re setting both of you up for disappointment. Self-love ensures you’re not leaning on someone else to prop you up—it lets you stand tall on your own.
You’ll Attract Someone Who’s Worthy of You
Here’s a little secret: confidence is attractive. When you love and respect yourself, you naturally set a higher standard for who you allow into your life. You won't accept someone who treats you as a backup plan or forgets your birthday (really, how difficult is it to remember one day?).
Instead, you will actively seek out a partner who aligns with your values and celebrates your uniqueness. Self-love eliminates unnecessary distractions and creates space for genuine connections.
How to Fall in Love With Yourself
Take Yourself on a Date
Yes, I’m serious. Whether it’s grabbing your favourite coffee, watching a cheesy movie, or hiking up a mountain, spend time doing things you genuinely enjoy. Learning to love your own company is step one in the self-love manual. Bonus: you won’t have to share your popcorn.
Unpack the Past
We all have some emotional cobwebs. Maybe it’s a critical parent, a painful breakup, or that one time in high school when you wore a questionable outfit to prom. Whatever it is, therapy or journaling can help you work through it.
Think of it like spring cleaning for your soul—hard work, but oh so satisfying. Plus, it saves your future partner from walking into an emotionally haunted house.
Laugh at Yourself
Don't take yourself too seriously; life is too short. Did you accidentally call your crush by the wrong name? Laugh about it. Did you sing too loudly in the shower, and your neighbour heard? Own it. Being able to laugh at yourself is a sign of self-acceptance. And let’s face it—confidence is sexy, even when it’s a little goofy.
Join the Right Community
Find your people—whether it’s an LGBTQ book club, a queer hiking group, or just that one friend who always gets you. Surrounding yourself with supportive, uplifting people can do wonders for your self-esteem. They remind you that you’re not alone and that your fabulousness is worth celebrating.
Set Boundaries Like a Boss
Here’s a plot twist: Self-love sometimes means saying no. No to toxic people. No to situations that drain you. You should refuse to accept anything less than what you truly deserve. Boundaries are your way of telling the world, “I know my worth, and I’m not afraid to protect it.”
How Self-Love Transforms Relationships
You’ll Be a Better Communicator
When you know who you are and what you want, expressing yourself becomes so much easier. Instead of passive-aggressive hints, you can have honest conversations with your partner. Trust me, they’ll appreciate the clarity.
You’ll Stop Comparing
It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing your relationship to others, especially in the age of Instagram. But when you’re confident in yourself, you stop worrying about whether your love life measures up to someone else’s highlight reel.
You’ll Handle Conflict Like an Adult (Mostly)
Arguments happen. But when you love yourself, you're less likely to take things personally or allow your insecurities to fuel the conflict. Instead, you can focus on finding solutions that work for both of you.
A Real-Life Example
Meet Jamie. He used to jump from one relationship to the next, hoping each new boyfriend would fix the insecurities he felt about himself. Unsurprisingly, things never lasted long.
After one particularly messy breakup, Jamie decided to focus on himself. He started therapy, joined a running club, and even took a solo trip to the beach. He gradually started to feel more at ease with himself.
When Jamie eventually met Alex, it was different. Instead of looking for Alex to solve his problems, Jamie approached the relationship as an equal partner. The result? The outcome is a healthy, balanced relationship where both parties feel valued and supported.
Debunking Self-Love Myths
“I’ll Be Alone Forever If I Wait Too Long.”
False. Taking time to love yourself doesn’t mean putting your life on hold forever—it means building a solid foundation so your next relationship thrives.
“I Can’t Work on Myself While Dating”
The statement may not be entirely accurate, but it certainly presents a challenge. Relationships demand energy, and if you’re not in a good place personally, it’s easy to lose focus on your own growth.
“Self-Love Is Tacky”
Sure, you might initially feel a bit uncomfortable, but it's worth it. If it helps you become a happier, more confident person, it’s worth it. Besides, cheesy is kind of charming.
Be Your Own Mr. Right First
Prior to entering a relationship, pause and concentrate on the most significant relationship in your life—your relationship with yourself. When you love and accept yourself, you bring your best self into a partnership, setting the stage for a connection that’s healthy, joyful, and deeply fulfilling.
So go ahead—treat yourself to that fancy dinner, start therapy, or dance in your living room like no one’s watching. When the right moment arrives, love will find you, and you'll be prepared to embrace it wholeheartedly.
Remember: the best relationships start with you.
I encourage you to join the Bent Couch mailing list; you’ll get access to future connection opportunities, tips, and also resources that can help make the process of loving yourself even easier. Simply indicate in the comment section of the contact form that you are interested in future connection opportunities for gay men, and I will promptly notify you when I conduct the next online sessions.
If you think it’s time to talk in counselling about relationship concerns, then reach out now and book in a time to talk to me confidentially via a Discovery Call. Choose a time that suits you, and I will call you back.
Shaun
