A Father's Courage: The complex journey of coming out gay later in life
I came out as gay in December 2019 to my wife, children, friends, and family. I had been married for 24 years hiding my secret. Coming out was one of the most difficult times of my life, and I made some devastating mistakes and sadly hurt many of the people I loved.
It is hoped that this article may help other men going through this difficult time to help them understand and perhaps learn from my mistakes.
I reflect on this period and often relate to me hiding my sexuality as being compared to a beach ball that’s held underwater and then all of a sudden letting it go. As you expose yourself and come out to your loved ones, it’s an overwhelming tidal wave of emotions for everyone around you, and of course, yourself. I’ve even recorded a video for social media with the rainbow ball that I believe is a powerful analogy that highlights this and encourage you to join me on my social pages on Instagram and Facebook.
But everyone has a different journey of self-discovery. As societal norms evolve, more individuals find the courage to embrace their true selves later in life. For many men, the journey to coming out as gay can be complex, especially when navigating family dynamics and the responsibilities of fatherhood. If you're a man who has come out later in life while juggling the roles of father and ex-husband, know that you're not alone.
Coming out later in life often involves a complex interplay of emotions, responsibilities, and personal revelations. Each journey is unique, and there's no singular "right" way to approach it. However, there are steps and considerations that can facilitate a smoother transition.
Self-Reflection and Acceptance:
Take the time to reflect and acknowledge your authentic self. Self-acceptance is the cornerstone of this journey. Understand that this process is about discovering and honouring who you are while respecting the impact on your family. It's important to be patient with yourself as you navigate this journey and give yourself permission to feel a range of emotions. It may also be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can provide guidance and understanding during this time of self-discovery. Remember, this is your journey, and it's okay to prioritise your own happiness and well-being while also considering the needs of your loved ones.
Communication and Understanding:
Navigating this path involves having open, honest conversations with your children and ex-wife. Approach these discussions with empathy, understanding, and patience. Be prepared for a range of emotions and reactions. Remember to listen actively and validate their feelings, as this will help foster a sense of trust and create a supportive environment where everyone feels heard and respected. It's important to remember that change can be difficult for everyone involved, so be prepared for potential challenges along the way. Stay committed to maintaining healthy boundaries and seeking professional support if needed. With time and effort, you can navigate this journey of self-discovery while also maintaining strong relationships with your loved ones.
Seek Support and Resources:
Connect with support groups, counselling services, or LGBTQIA+ organisations that specialise in providing guidance for individuals coming out later in life. These resources can offer invaluable support, advice, and a sense of community. They can help you navigate through your journey and provide a safe space for you to share your experiences.
As a father, your relationship with your children remains a priority, but so does looking after YOU. Striking a balance between your authentic self and parental responsibilities may present challenges, but it's achievable with dedication and communication. Remember to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to adjust to your new identity. It's important to surround yourself with understanding and accepting individuals who can provide emotional support throughout this process. Additionally, seeking professional help from therapists or counsellors who specialise in LGBTQIA+ issues can also be beneficial for navigating the complexities of coming out later in life while maintaining healthy relationships with your loved ones. This is one of the reasons I set up and proudly run my Gay Counselling Services in Melbourne.
Prioritise Open Dialogue with your children:
Create a safe space for your children to express their feelings and concerns. Encourage open communication and reassure them of your unwavering love and support. Listen actively and validate their emotions, letting them know that their feelings are valid and important. It is crucial to avoid judgement or criticism and instead focus on empathy and understanding. By promoting open dialogue, you can foster a strong and trusting relationship with your children, allowing them to feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and fears about your coming-out journey. Remember that this process may take time, so be patient and continue to reinforce your love and acceptance throughout the conversation.
Foster Understanding:
Educate yourself and your family about LGBTQIA+ issues. This mutual understanding can bridge gaps and foster stronger relationships built on empathy and respect. By actively seeking knowledge and promoting acceptance, you can create a safe and inclusive environment for your loved ones.
Patience and Adaptability:
Be patient with the adjustment process. Give yourself and your family time to adapt to the changes. Flexibility and adaptability are key to navigating this transformative period. Allowing for mistakes and setbacks is crucial in promoting acceptance, as it takes time for everyone to adjust and adapt to the changes. It is important to remain patient and understanding during this process. This process and its timings are different for everyone.
Coming out later in life as a gay father is a profound and difficult journey filled with challenges but also with many opportunities for growth. Embracing authenticity, nurturing relationships, and finding places to share your experiences can empower and support other men walking a similar path. Remember, your journey is unique, valuable, and worthy of celebration. Your story and guidance have the potential to inspire, comfort, and guide others on their own journeys of self-discovery and acceptance. Embrace your truth, navigate this path with compassion, and know that your experiences can pave the way for others seeking understanding and support.
When I came out, I had no idea where to turn or who could help me. It was six months after coming out that I started a private Facebook group, Gay Fathers Worldwide, to connect with other men going through similar journeys. At the time I failed to truly understand the power of community and the impact it would have on my life. This group has men from all over the world, over 800 at the time of the publication of this article. It continues to grow in size and support, providing a safe space for sharing experiences, offering advice, and fostering lasting friendships.
