Coming out later in life: The struggle trifecta of fear, shame and guilt
There is a pervading sense of fear, shame and guilt which casts a shadow over the lives of many gay men who come out later in life and indeed the same is not an uncommon experience for many in the wider LGBTQIA+ community.
The shame keeps some men closeted for decades while they struggle to reconcile their true inner self with their outer public persona. They are afraid of the broader community’s perceptions of the queer community and how the world might accept them or not accept them if they were to show their true self. The fear of rejection and the prospect of loneliness are genuine concerns of men coming out later in life.
For many the safest option is to keep the closet door firmly held shut and follow the straight path rather than the bent one. Some men also see entering a heterosexual relationship and even parenthood as ways for them to conform to societal expectations. As a way of numbing their own reality, some men turn to alcohol and other addictions and additionally many become overachievers. They might become workaholics, exercise junkies, dedicated fathers or community leaders or a combination of these and other roles. Just like Clark Kent, they wear a disguise as the mild-mannered straight guy while at the same time acting out the role of superman, often being the glue that holds their family together. Secretly many would love to be able to sport the superman outfit including the bright coloured underwear!
“For those who have the courage to remove their mask and finally come out, the shame is often accompanied by an almost crippling sense of guilt.”
For those who have the courage to remove their mask (or have it ripped off unexpectedly) and finally come out to family, friends, their church and colleagues, the shame is often accompanied by an almost crippling sense of guilt. Their life’s quest up to this point has been to please, live up to others expectations and to conform. Now they must face the reality that not only have they been untrue to themselves but also their loved ones for decades. The guilt stems from the perception (whether real or imagined) that by showing their true colours they will be disappointing others who expected these men to live one way while they were born to live another.
let your old life go, be true to yourself and accept yourself for the beautiful man you are
It is important to realise that not meeting the expectations of others is not a reason to feel guilty. Unfortunately fear, shame and guilt can be so overwhelming that many will go to their graves with their secret, some of them electing to end their lives rather than expose their vulnerability. By letting others in (an alternative phrase to coming out) and making positive changes in your life through seeking support that you need, you are being true to yourself and in the process others will have the opportunity to finally accept you for the beautiful man you are.
However, it may be the case that not everyone from your old life accepts you. Along the way people will choose to support and remain connected, others will choose to leave the close circle. Through opening the door and letting others in, you are inviting them to be part of your new world. If they choose not to walk beside you, it is their choice. You are not pushing them away; they are choosing to leave.
Just because your old life is no more it doesn’t mean nothing good came from it. You lived, you learned, you loved and perhaps you were granted the gift of children. Along the way you had many good times and now it is time to move onwards. You can create a new life for you and those close to you. As time progresses you will build stronger connections between the real you and your loved ones. By working with them to understand the changes you have made in your life you will be able to unload the burden of fear, shame and guilt and together embrace the opportunity to build new traditions and amazing positive memories for the life ahead.
