How I Learnt to Embrace Myself in 5 Simple Steps
There was a time when I walked into a gay bar and immediately felt like I had wandered into a competition I hadn’t signed up for. The guys were cooler, fitter, more stylish, and more confident. They were, basically, everything I thought I wasn’t. I’d sip my drink, awkwardly adjusting my shirt, wondering why I didn’t have that effortlessly put-together look or that charismatic presence that seemed to draw people in.
For the first few years after coming out, I believed I wasn’t gay enough, whatever that even meant. Not fit enough. Not fashionable enough. Not sociable enough. It wasn’t just about looks; it was the whole vibe. The perfectly curated social life, the well-dressed friendship group, the confidence to command a room.
Then, one day, something changed. I realised I was wasting so much energy trying to be someone else that I wasn’t appreciating the one person I actually got to be: me.
And let me tell you, once you start celebrating yourself instead of comparing yourself to others, life gets a whole lot better.
The Gay Comparison Trap: The Thief of Joy
Social media became my number one enemy.
One minute, I’m casually scrolling, and the next, I’m three years deep into a fitness influencer’s Instagram, convinced my life is an utter failure because I don’t have abs sharp enough to dice onions.
He’s more successful.
He’s got a better relationship.
He’s travelling the world while I’m Googling cheap dinner recipes again.
Even in real life, I’d find myself comparing. At the gym, at brunch, at Pride events. I’d look around and think, Everyone here is thriving except me.
The more I compared, the more I dimmed my own light. I wasn’t seeing what I brought to the table because I was too busy staring at everyone else’s feast.
The Wake-Up Call: You Can’t Win a Race You’re Not Running
One night, after a particularly ridiculous Instagram spiral, I had a thought:
"What if these guys feel the same way I do?"
What if the guy with the perfect gym selfies also struggled with self-esteem? What if the happy couple posting hashtag relationship goals photos argued about the same petty things as everyone else?
What if everyone was just as insecure as I was, but better at hiding it?
That’s when it hit me.
I was competing in a game that didn’t even exist.
There is no “Best Gay” award. No secret council handing out trophies for “most attractive,” “most social,” or “most successful.” I was trying to win at being gay, but the only thing I was achieving was robbing myself of joy.
How I Stopped Comparing & Started Celebrating Myself
Escaping the comparison trap didn’t happen overnight. It was a shift in mindset, and here’s what helped me the most.
1. I Took Control of My Social Media
Social media was a huge trigger for my insecurities, so I made a conscious effort to change my relationship with it:
I unfollowed accounts that made me feel inadequate.
I followed people who inspired me, rather than those who made me feel "less than."
I reminded myself that social media is a highlight reel, not real life.
Instead of using Instagram as a measuring stick, I started using it as a space for positivity and connection.
2. I Focused on What Makes Me Unique
Instead of trying to fit into an unrealistic mould, I started to embrace what made me special:
My sense of humour.
My ability to have deep, meaningful conversations.
My own sense of style (even if it wasn’t “trendy”).
My personal values and what I found important in life.
I realised that confidence isn’t about fitting in—it’s about embracing your individuality. The things that make you different are actually your greatest strengths.
3. I Stopped Seeking Validation From Others
For so long, I had placed my self-worth in external validation, such as likes, compliments, and attention. But the problem with that is it’s never enough. No amount of external approval can truly fill an internal void.
So, I started working on validating myself.
I reminded myself of my own worth, without needing others to confirm it.
I celebrated small wins, whether that was personal growth, professional achievements, or simply being kinder to myself.
I focused on relationships that uplifted me, rather than seeking approval from people who didn’t matter.
The more I built myself up from the inside, the less I needed to compare myself to others.
4. I Built a Supportive Community
Comparison often comes from a place of feeling disconnected. When I was surrounded by supportive, authentic friendships, I felt less pressure to prove myself.
So, I made a conscious effort to:
Spend time with people who valued me for who I was.
Seek out spaces where I felt seen and heard.
Support other gay men, rather than seeing them as competition.
When you surround yourself with people who celebrate you, rather than make you question your worth, everything changes.
5. I Focused on Gratitude for My Own Journey
Comparison often makes us focus on what we lack, but shifting that mindset to gratitude can be incredibly powerful. Instead of obsessing over what I didn’t have, I started appreciating what I did have, including my own unique journey, experiences, and growth.
I took time each day to reflect on something I loved about myself, whether it was my resilience, my kindness, or my ability to make people laugh.
I wrote down three things I was grateful for, big or small, every morning.
I reminded myself that everyone's path is different, and what makes my life meaningful isn’t how it compares to others, but how it feels to me.
When I focused on what I had instead of what I lacked, I found a deeper sense of peace and self-worth. The need to compare just started to fade away.
Hey You: You Are a Fking Gift to This World
If you take nothing else from my story, take this:
You are already enough. Right now. Exactly as you are.
You don’t need a six-pack to be worthy. You don’t need a massive friend group to be lovable. You don’t need an influencer lifestyle to be important. If you're a gay father like me, then you're already an incredible father.
You are a big-ass gift to this world, and the sooner you realise that, the freer you’ll feel.
Now, go do something that makes you happy—just because you deserve it.
Shaun
If comparison is negatively impacting your life, don't remain silent. Book a free discovery call today with Shaun and take the first step towards embracing your true self and reclaiming your confidence.
