Embracing your truth: Navigating the challenges of coming out in midlife
A few years ago, I spoke to a group of older gay men. One man told this story: “I was married and had a young son. My wife and son were both killed in a car accident. I know what I should have felt, but what I felt was relief.”
The story left me speechless, but many middle-aged fathers in heterosexual marriages who question their sexuality understand his pain. These men and women face a predicament.
It’s a predicament
Having a choice is when you have two or more options; a predicament is when you have two or more options, but all the options seem bad.
Dr. Saxby Pridmore, an Australian psychiatrist, has described what he calls ‘predicament suicide.’
He used the term to describe an individual without mental illness who takes his or her own life to escape intolerable circumstances.
Many questioning parents have attempted suicide and many more have seriously considered it. No statistics are available about how many may have been successful.
Most of what has been written about coming out and suicide has appropriately focused on youth. Many studies have shown that nearly 50% of LGBTQ+ youth have seriously considered or attempted suicide. Having one supportive adult reduced that rate by 40%.
When I did the research for Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, I found that almost nothing had been written about the effects of coming out in midlife.
The midlife crisis
Almost everyone at some point in the middle of their life asks, “Do I want to live the rest of my life the way I’ve lived the first part of my life?” It causes us to reassess the values we inherited and look at reconstructing a new value system. But sometimes those values collide with our self-image and the image others have of us.
Losses loom larger than gains
The primary areas of conflict for men and women who are in heterosexual marriages and questioning their sexuality are:
Do I want to accept that I’m gay, and I will always be gay?
Do I want to give up the dream of a heteronormative marriage?
How will this affect my spouse?
Will coming out damage my relationship with my children and my extended family?
For people of faith, how will this impact my relationship to God?
The prospect theory tells us that in considering major decisions, losses loom larger than gains. As I’ve worked with questioning men through the years, I see this repeated frequently.
Many of the fathers I have worked with are devoted to their children; many also love their wives but feel they can’t be the man their spouse deserves.
Men “awfulize” the outcome of leaving a marriage, but to be honest, sometimes the outcomes are awful. On the other hand, if one has never lived freely as their authentic self, it is impossible to imagine what that might feel like.
Loneliness is a killer
Many questioning men are lonely, and loneliness has a mortality rate similar to cigarette smoking and alcoholism. Whom can you talk with if you question your sexuality? If you tell someone you wonder if you might be gay, they will assume that you are gay or you would never have asked.
Many men carry around the burden of this predicament for years. Some wish that something would happen to relieve this burden, as happened with the man who lost his wife and son.
Others begin to feel that their situation is hopeless, and no one can help. Hopelessness and helplessness are the driving forces behind most suicides. Men characteristically try to power through this without reaching out to anyone.
Depression or sadness?
Sad people are unhappy about a specific event. Depressed people feel bad about themselves. In my experience, many questioning men feel considerable guilt and shame about up ending the lives of their spouse and children.
Everyday sadness is universal and passes. Depression can become severe enough to cause insomnia, loss of libido and appetite, social withdrawal, low energy, and suicidal thinking.
For less severe depression, counselling may be enough, but for Major Depression, medications may be necessary. Completing a Patient Health Questionnaire can help determine the degree of depression.
Counselling is the first-line treatment for people with mild to moderate depression. But when depression is severe a combination of therapy and antidepressant medication is the safest and most effective approach.
Depression is potentially serious but highly treatable, either with counselling alone or with a combination of counselling and medications. A competent clinician can help decide the best treatment.
Choosing a clinician
Two things are essential in choosing a counsellor:
They are appropriately trained, and
That you feel like you “click” with him or her.
For those of us dealing with sexuality or gender issues, a supportive clinician is also critical.
Therapists intent on having their clients choose between their faith and gender or sexuality can cause immense trauma and grief. Persons seeking counselling should investigate these issues before committing to treatment.
Social connections, often disrupted by depression, are critical to treating depression, and support groups with others struggling with the same issues can normalise what one is experiencing.
Our Path is a good resource available to spouses left behind after disclosure or discovery of a spouse’s hidden secret desires. They also have a helpful podcast called “Our Voices”
Sharing our stories
One patient asked me, “Why do gay people think they have to tell their stories to people who don’t want to hear them?”
I responded, “Remember how lonely, isolated, and depressed you were when you first contacted me? That’s why we tell our stories. We want you to know that it will get better and you are not alone.”
It is never too late to become the person you were meant to be. Many men and women who have delayed their coming out until well into late life and have been able to find a new and more satisfying life.
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Connect with somone who understands.
