Losing a friend or a loved one is never easy, but when that friend is someone who deeply understood your journey, the grief can feel even heavier. This week, I lost a dear friend, Lindsay Siegfried. He was a gay father like me, a man who had faced the complex reality of coming out later in life, and a dedicated administrator in Gay Fathers Worldwide.

Lindsay was always a kind presence in our monthly Zoom calls, offering words of support to those struggling with acceptance, identity, or the challenges of fatherhood after coming out. He personally experienced the loneliness that can result from family estrangement, yet he continued to be a source of hope for others. Despite facing illness for the last few years, he embraced life fully, even travelling to Sydney for WorldPride in 2023.

Today, I honour his memory and reflect on the grief that follows the loss of a friend, particularly within the LGBTQ community. How do we cope with this pain? How do we process grief while also dealing with the loneliness that many gay fathers face?

Understanding Grief and Its Impact

Grief is a natural response to loss, but it can be particularly complex for LGBTQ individuals. Many of us have already faced losses, whether in the form of family rejection, lost relationships, or the struggle of rebuilding our lives after coming out. When we lose a friend who understood these struggles, the grief feels layered, touching wounds that may never have fully healed.

Grief is often misunderstood. Some believe that grief is simply about sadness, but it is more than that. It manifests in emotional, psychological, and even physical ways, often affecting sleep, appetite, and overall well-being. The way we grieve is shaped by our past experiences, the nature of our relationship with the person we've lost, and the support networks we have in place.

For those of us in the LGBTQ community, grief can also carry a unique weight. If we have lost family members due to rejection, or if we have had to redefine relationships after coming out, each new loss can trigger feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and sadness.

The Five Stages of Grief

Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined the five stages of grief, which can offer a roadmap for understanding our emotions:

Denial: The initial shock, where loss feels unreal.

Anger: Frustration, sometimes directed at the world, ourselves, or even the person we lost.

Bargaining: The “what ifs” and “if onlys” that come with regret.

Depression: Deep sadness and withdrawal from others.

Acceptance: Finding a way to carry on while keeping their memory alive.

These stages are not linear; grief is unpredictable. Some days, acceptance feels possible, while others are heavy with sadness. There is no "right" way to grieve, only what feels right for you in the moment.

The Unique Grief of Gay Fathers

Many gay fathers come out later in life, often after years of marriage, parenting, and living within heteronormative expectations. This process is not just about self-acceptance; it’s about navigating loss, change, and sometimes, deep loneliness.

For men like Lindsay and myself, coming out often means:

Losing relationships with family members or former partners.

Struggling to maintain a bond with our children in a new dynamic.

Feeling isolated in mainstream LGBTQ+ spaces that may not always reflect our experiences.

Facing societal stigma from both straight and gay communities.

Lindsay understood these struggles and dedicated his time to creating spaces like Gay Fathers Worldwide, where men could connect, share experiences, and support one another.

When a friend like Lindsay passes away, it’s not just personal grief; it’s also the loss of someone who made you feel less alone in the world.

The Added Layer of Family Estrangement

Lindsay’s experience with family estrangement after coming out mirrors the painful reality that many gay fathers face. Rejection from family can be one of the most profound losses we endure. When we lose a close friend who understood that pain, it can bring back old wounds of abandonment and loneliness.

This is why chosen family is so important in the LGBTQ community. Sometimes, the people who love and support us the most are not those we were born into but rather those we find along our journey. Lindsay was that kind of chosen family for so many in Gay Fathers Worldwide.

Dealing with the Loneliness of Loss

Losing a close friend can feel like losing a part of yourself, especially when they played a role in helping you navigate difficult times. If you’re struggling with loneliness after losing someone who understood you, here are some steps that may help:

1. Acknowledge the Pain

Grief isn’t something to be suppressed. Allow yourself to feel the loss, to sit with the sadness, and to honour the relationship you had.

2. Connect with Others

Isolation can make grief heavier. Reach out to friends, support groups, or LGBTQ+ communities that understand what you’re going through. Lindsay was part of a global network of gay fathers—leaning into that community can be a powerful way to heal.

3. Keep Their Memory Alive

Honour your friend in ways that feel meaningful. Whether it’s sharing stories, supporting the causes they cared about, or simply speaking their name, keeping their memory alive helps with healing.

4. Create a Ritual of Remembrance

Many cultures and spiritual traditions have rituals for mourning, including lighting a candle, writing a letter, or planting a tree in their honour. Creating your own personal ritual can help you feel connected to your loved one even after they are gone. Writing this article is helping me.

5. Seek Professional Support

If grief feels overwhelming, counselling can help. Speaking to a professional who understands the nuances of LGBTQ experiences can provide space to process emotions in a safe environment.

Finding Meaning in Loss

Though Lindsay is gone, his impact remains. He showed up not only for himself but also for his friends and for the global community of gay fathers seeking connection. His kindness, his words of encouragement, and his unwavering support made a difference.

I had the pleasure of meeting him in 2023, and I will always remember his warmth. I hope he is flying high and at peace now.

Grief reminds us of what we have lost, but it also highlights the love that existed. Lindsay’s legacy is one of connection and kindness, and it is up to us to continue supporting one another.

If you’re grieving, know that you are not alone. There is a community here—one that Lindsay helped foster—ready to walk beside you.

Let’s keep showing up, just as he did.

Lindsay’s passing is another reminder of the importance of community, connection, and kindness. None of us should have to navigate this journey alone.

Rest in peace, my friend. You will be missed.

Shaun