How to Build Real Gay Friendships in a Disconnected World
I witness it constantly—not only personally, but through my work as a counsellor. We’re living in an era of social media, where people constantly present curated highlights of their lives, masking the struggles that lie beneath the surface. The more we scroll, the more disconnected we seem to feel. What should be a tool for connection is often isolating us further, chipping away at the fundamental skills of deep, meaningful human interaction.
I’ve met countless gay and queer men searching for deeper connections; men who, despite being surrounded by people, feel invisible. Many crave a sense of belonging that goes beyond surface-level friendships and fleeting social encounters.
Why Connection Matters More Than Ever
Feeling disconnected is not just an individual struggle—it’s a reflection of the world we’re living in. LGBTQ+ communities globally are experiencing a shift, not just in social structures but in the political climate. In many places, queer rights are still being debated, challenged, or even revoked. Even in countries where we have legal protections, social acceptance can feel conditional.
For many of us, this creates a deep emotional toll. I’ve spoken to men who tell me they feel like they’re constantly holding their breath, waiting for the next attack on their rights, their safety, or their dignity. The weight of political discourse seeps into daily life, affecting mental health, relationships, and our ability to feel truly at ease in the world.
This is why connection is so critical. A strong chosen family and support network doesn’t just combat loneliness—it provides resilience, strength, and a sense of security in uncertain times. When we feel seen, valued, and supported by those around us, we’re less vulnerable to external pressures. In community, we find not just friendship, but the power to navigate an often-hostile world together.
When we feel like the world is closing in, the answer isn’t to retreat—it’s to reach out. Connection is how we survive, but more than that, it’s how we thrive. Now is not the time to isolate ourselves in fear. Now is the time to stand together, to lift each other up, and to remind ourselves that we are stronger in community.
So, what’s the answer? How do we reconnect, and where do we begin?
10 Practical Steps to Reconnect and Build a Meaningful Support Network
1. Move Beyond Social Media and Dating Apps
If we want real connection, we have to step outside the digital world and into real-life interactions. Social media has its place, but it shouldn’t be our primary source of connection. Instead, seek out LGBTQ+ spaces that encourage authentic conversations and relationships.
Where to start:
Attend in-person LGBTQ+ community events, discussion groups, or meetups.
Join social groups that align with your interests, including queer sports teams, book clubs, or workshops.
Limit passive scrolling on social media and prioritise real conversations with people you care about.
2. Be Present in Conversations
With so many distractions, being present is a rare gift. Too often, we engage in conversations while thinking about the next thing we need to do or half-listening while looking at our phones. Real connection happens when we give people our full attention.
Try this:
Make eye contact and truly listen to people.
Ask thoughtful questions rather than waiting for your turn to speak.
Put your phone away when having meaningful conversations.
3. Reach Out to People Who Might Be Struggling
Loneliness is a quiet struggle. Many people won’t tell you they feel isolated, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t. Taking the first step in reaching out can make all the difference.
Ways to do this:
If someone seems withdrawn, send them a message to check in.
Make plans with friends you haven’t seen in a while.
Invite someone new to an event or activity you’re attending.
4. Prioritise Quality Over Quantity in Friendships
It’s not about how many friends you have; it’s about how deep those friendships are. A handful of close, supportive people will always be more fulfilling than a hundred casual acquaintances.
Focus on:
People who genuinely support and uplift you.
Friendships where vulnerability is welcomed, not judged.
Friends who make an effort to maintain the relationship.
5. Seek Out Safe Spaces for Connection
Not every space fosters genuine connection. Nightlife can be fun, but it’s not always the best environment to build long-lasting friendships. Look for spaces that encourage deeper interactions.
Options include:
LGBTQ+ mental health support groups.
Spiritual or mindfulness retreats for queer people.
Regular meetups centred around shared interests, like hiking, yoga, or volunteering.
6. Be Vulnerable and Real with Others
Many of us fear being seen for who we truly are. But the truth is, vulnerability is what builds deep connection. When we allow others to see our struggles, fears, and hopes, we create space for genuine relationships.
Ways to practice vulnerability:
Share your experiences, rather than just surface-level updates.
Open up about your struggles with people you trust.
Be honest about your need for connection—chances are, others feel the same way.
7. Limit Exposure to Political Noise
While it’s important to stay informed, constant exposure to negative political rhetoric can be overwhelming and emotionally draining. It’s easy to feel powerless when bombarded with bad news. Finding a balance between awareness and self-preservation is key.
Ways to manage this:
Take breaks from political content and doom-scrolling.
Follow queer-positive news sources that share uplifting stories.
Focus on community-driven activism rather than reactive outrage.
Prioritise in-person conversations over online debates.
The world’s problems won’t be solved in a day, but strengthening your own emotional resilience will help you better support yourself and others.
8. Build Rituals and Traditions with Friends
Creating shared rituals strengthens chosen family bonds. Whether it’s a monthly dinner, an annual trip, or just a Sunday coffee meetup, having consistent traditions helps relationships grow.
9. Learn to Navigate Conflict and Repair Friendships
Even the closest friendships will have moments of tension. The difference between a friendship that lasts and one that fades is how we handle conflict.
Tips for resolving conflict:
Approach disagreements with curiosity, not defensiveness.
Be open about how you feel without blaming the other person.
Accept when you’re wrong and apologise sincerely.
10. Give Yourself Time—Connection Takes Effort
Building a meaningful support network doesn’t happen overnight. It takes patience, effort, and consistency. But the more we invest in relationships, the more they grow into something lasting and meaningful.
A Call to Connect
Both personally and through my work, I’ve seen what happens when people take steps toward connection. I’ve watched men who once felt invisible find deep, supportive friendships. I’ve witnessed the healing power of chosen family.
One of the most heartbreaking things I hear in my counselling sessions is, ‘I just don’t know where I belong and I’m lonely.’ The truth is, belonging isn’t about waiting for the right people to come to you; it’s about stepping forward and creating those connections. We all deserve to be seen, valued, and supported, and sometimes, the first step is simply reaching out.
If you feel disconnected, know this—you are not alone, and you are not broken. Real connection is possible, but it requires intention. It starts with a conversation—a message—and a moment of vulnerability.
So, let’s take that first step. Let’s move beyond social media’s illusion of connection and create something real. Let’s show up for each other, listen deeply, and rebuild the kind of community where no one feels like they’re on the outside looking in.
I facilitate a fortnightly online connection group for queer and gay men simply called ‘Community Couch Conversations.’ It’s a place I searched for but couldn’t find, so I created it. This is a gently facilitated and safe space to connect and talk openly and vulnerably with others that understand you. Interested in new connections that are outside the apps and social media? Click here
In the end, connection with our chosen family and friends is what truly makes us thrive.
Shaun
